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meame69 Jokes So Far

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karate and judo
What’s the difference between karate and judo? Karate is a method of self defence and judo is what bagels are made of!
penis fish
what do u call a black guy with a peg leg? shit on a stick
the nba
the nba
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
A white guy doesn’t want to be disturbed. Unless Disturbed comes out with a new album.
white joke
What does a white man do when he is unhappy with current government decisions?

He writes a letter.
the roof
on the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.
white girls
How many white girls does it take to screw in a light?
None, white girls can’t screw.
redneck police cases
Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.
white man dancing
What do you call it when a white man dancing has a seizure? An improvement.
circumcise a hillbilly
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.
white guy black room
How many white people does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they lynch the room for being black.
flattest surface
What's the flattest surface to iron your jeans on?

A white girl's ass.
What do you call a white person playin with gasoline? A firecracker.
white man in court
What do you call a white man in court?
The lawyer.
latina hot
A white guy married a hot latin chick, and ever since they're all she wants all the time is s*x, more and more s*x.
At some point the guy goes to his friend to ask what to do, the friend says "Tell her from now on if you want some you gonna pay.
on the floor:10 buck.
in the kitchen: 20 bucks
in the bedroom: 30 bucks."
The guy comes home and takes of his shirt, his wife jumps on him and he tells her "Hey! from now on you want some you pay for it!
on the floor:10 buck.
in the kitchen: 20 bucks
in the bedroom: 30 bucks."
So the girl says "O.K. Here's 30 bucks", the guy says "In the bedroom?" the girls says "No! 3 times on the floor!"
very bonnie tyler
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch prick, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy asks.. “What’s wrong with you?”

In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch prick, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Turner Brown!…Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, “Turn Around!!”
prison break
A bunch of Mexicans are running down a hill, what is going on?
A Prison Break.
german mexican
hat do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A Beaner-Schnitzel
uno dos tres
Why don't mexicans cross the border in 3's?

Because it says no trespassing
the alamo
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
the white mexican
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, "Mom, look - I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother." The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"
fruit of choice
Two Americans and a Mexican are exploring in Africa and they stumble upon a tribe. The chief of the tribe tells the explorers that they are going to get fruit shoved up their butts and if they laugh they are going to get killed. Luckly, the Chief tells them they get to pick their own fruit. The two whittes pick berries and the Chief shoves it up their butts. They both laugh their heads off. In heaven God asks them why they laughed. And the Americans reply, "The Mexican picked a watermelon."
we have so many
An Arab, Frenchman, American and a Mexican are riding down the highway. The Arab picks up an AK-47. He shoots a couple of rounds and then throws the gun out the window. The American asks him why he through the gun out the window and the Arab says they have so many of those where he is from he doesn't care about what happens to them.

The Frenchman picks up a bottle of wine and drinks a little and throws it out the window. The American asks him why he tossed it. The Frenchman says they have so much of it where he is from he doesn't care what happens to it.

The American picks up the Mexican and throws him out the window.
the drunk mexican
I was bartending in Vegas and this drunk mexican asks me for a shot of tequila and a beer. He was hurting so bad with a hangover..he then asks me for another. I said "You got money? He told me no, but he is hurting so bad that he will do anything for another round.... I looked at him and told him..if you could use these three colors in a sentence, I'll buy you a round...Green Pink and Yellow. The drunk mexican looks at me, thinks for a second, and tells me.."I got it senor, I got it...The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and I said Yellow?" I bought him a round...
mexican uno
Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.
white martin luther king
What would martin luther king be if he was white? Alive.
mexican jesus
A new scientific study reveals that Jesus was actually a Mexican:
- he was born in a barn
- he walked around always wearing flip-flops
- if he ever did anything, it was a miracle
high heels
Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
both sides
Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family
google earth
Yo mama so fat she uses Google Earth to take a selfie.
hear the ocean
Yo mama so dumb when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
its chilly outside
Yo mama so dumb she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
harlem shake
Yo mama is so dumb she thinks that Harlem shake is a drink
mini me
Yo mama so short she's Mini-Me's.... Mini-Me
yo mama short when she does marijuana she can't get high
whitney cummings
Yo momma so chatty that even Whitney Cummings became annoyed.
Yo Mama so fat her BMI is measured in acres.
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
i wish
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
i cant see
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
the effort
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
sexy air
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
the day disco died
Q: How did disco die?
A: In the disco inferno.
Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie?
A: All of Ken's stuff.
how to impress a girl
asked the trainer at the gym:
what machine should I use to impress that girl over there?
he looked at me and answered:
probably the ATM at the lobby
she died
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
yo mama so old
Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!
Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
jurassic park
Yo mama's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories.
Yo mama so mean the only letters of the alphabet she knows is PMS.
auto correct
Yo mama so mean I added her name in a text and it auto corrected to bitch.
mean girls
Yo mama so mean, that Regina from "Mean Girls" is her sister.
simon cowell
Yo mamma so mean even Simon Cowell is afraid to say anything bad about her.
the anti smell
Yo Mama So smelly She Make Right Guard Turn Left, Secret Tell It All, And Speed Stick Slow Down!
Yo mama smells so bad she has to creep up on bathwater.
third world cheese
Yo mama so stank third world countries eat the cheese from the crack of her ass
Yo mama's so stank, she makes a skunk smell like roses.
Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
cuff her underwear
Yo mama's so short, she has to cuff her underwear.
sock for a sleeping bag
Yo momma so short, she uses a sock for a sleeping bag
chicken nugget
Yo mama so short the only thing she could dunk was a chicken nugget
truck ran over
Yo mama so short, when a truck ran over her she still was alive
roll dice
Yo mama so short, she don't roll dice, she pushes them.
not long enough
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
her side of the family
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
i like how youre thinking
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
be like mario
Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me."
longer sentence
Q: Why did President Obama get two terms?
A: Because every black man gets a longer sentence.
A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling, "TGIF!" The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling, "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!" Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out, "SPIT!" This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed. Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy, "Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?" and the cowboy replies, "Hell ya I know what it means, 'Thank God It's Friday!'" The bartender asks the Mexican guy, "Okay, so what does 'SPIT' mean?" and the Mexican replies, "Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday!"
How do you get the little black kids to stop jumping on the bed? Put Velcro on the ceiling. How do you get them down? Tell the Mexican kids it's a piñata.
a black pilot
What do you call a black pilot flying a plane? A pilot, you racist.
i got him with the door
There was a redneck who hit every black man he saw with his truck. One day he saw a priest walking down the road and thought, "For all the bad things I done, let me give this priest a ride." So he picked the priest up and they drove along. The redneck saw a black guy down the road and decided he would pretend to fall asleep and so the priest would think it was an accident. The redneck closed his eyes and heard a loud bang. "What happened?" he asked. "You missed him," the priest said, "but I got him with the door."
green pink and yellow
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three english words in a sentence. The three words are 'green,' 'pink,' and 'yellow.'" The Mexican man thinks , then says, "Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez yellow?"
calling local
There were three guys in Hell - Iranian, American, and a Chinese man. They asked Satan to let them call their family. The American called and talked for 10 minutes. He payed $1,000. The Chinaman called and talked for 15 minutes. He payed $2,000. The Iranian talked for an hour and only paid $10. The other men complained and Satan responded, "A call from Hell to Hell is local."
get down with it1
Why did so many black men get killed in Vietnam? When the generals would yell, "Get down!" they would all start dancing.
the black keys
My uncle was a racist piano player, all his work sounded awful because he skipped all the black keys.
never got the chance
78% of black men like sex in the shower. The other 22% haven't been to prison yet.
Q: What's the difference between a black man and Batman?
A: Batman can go inside a store without Robin.
stupid chinese prostitute
Q: What do you call a stupid Chinese prostitute?
A: Wun Dum Ho.
canadian doggy
Why do Canadian's do it doggystyle? So they can both watch the hockey game.
Q: What's the only positive thing about living in the ghetto?
A: Pregnancy tests.
long jew
What happens if a Jew with an erection walks face first into a wall? He breaks his nose.
Q: What's the difference between a black and an Asian?
A: 10 minutes in the oven.
Blonde chick tells her friend:
"Found my son and his girlfriend naked in his room. Sex-ed is so advanced now, they also give homework!"
blonde confessions
None of my yoga pants have actually ever been to yoga.
blonde confessions1
I believe shopping is the best calorie burner
blonde confessions2
The Holidays require extra glitter.
blonde confessions4
My blood type is pink glitter
day of the week
Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
disneyland left
Two blonde rednecks were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.
they can spell it
Q: Why do blonde rednecks drive GMC trucks?
A: Because they can spell it.
drowned during the wave
Q: How did the blonde die at the baseball game?
A: She drowned during the wave.
crucifixion and circumcision
Q. What is the difference between a crucifixion and a circumcision? A. In a crucifixion, they throw out the whole Jew.
Q: Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised? A: Because a Jewish women wont touch anything unless it's 20% off
Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn't find the "CALL" button.
cant get high
yo mama short when she does marijuana she can't get high
nobel prize
Yo mama is so dumb she got awarded the nobel prize for stupidity.
cordless phone
Yo mama so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone
pants down
Yo mama so dumb that when I went to her house and said let me in........she opened the door and then pulled her pants down.
wet dreams
Yo Mama so dumb, she put a hot wet towel on her mattress so she can have Wet Dreams.
Yo momma so dumb when her friend said wanna play pool she said "yeah wait let me get my baithing suit on"
returned a puzzle
Yo mama's so dumb she returned a puzzle because it was broken
the nutcracker
Yo mamma so dumb she brought nuts to the Nutcracker
babies r us
yo mama so dumb she went to Babies R Us and asked were the babies were
flight simulator
Yo mama is so dumb that she died in a flight simulator.
yo mama so dumb she thought a lightsaber had less calories
air pockets
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
A: Air Pockets
let there be light
Yo momma's so fat and old when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mother to move out of the way.
Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
yo mama so ugly
Yo mamma is so ugly when she took a bath the water jumped out.
two tires
Yo mama's so black, her ass looks like two tires.
star wars
your momma is so black when she turned to the dark side the sith became jedis
dying blonde
Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants...
turn on the light
Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
yo mama so fat1
Yo mama so fat, she's "Large, Single, and ready to Pringle."
a whole pizza
Yo mama so fat she ate a whole Pizza... Hut.
why the rabbit
Englishman applies for a job with South African police.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six niggers and a rabbit."
Bloke replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
An africoon nigger goes to the doctor and says, "I feel terrible."
Doctor says, "go home, get a bucket, piss and shit in it for a week. Throw in dead rats and rotting fish. Put a towel over your head and sniff the fumes for three days."
Week later nigger goes back and says, "Doc, I feel wonderful, what was the problem?"
Doctor, "you were homesick!"
take your shoes off
What's the difference between a nigger and a bouncy castle?
You don’t take your shoes off to jump on a nigger!
nike and the kkk
What do Nike and the KKK have in common?
They both make niggers run faster
worked with the slaves
Why do people hit things when they don't work?
It worked with the slaves
oprah and stevie
Did you know Oprah and Stevie Wonder both had the same nick name in school?
It was nigger
slinky and a nigger
What do a slinky and a nigger have in common?
Both are useless but it's fun to watch them falling down the stairs
nigger and sperm
What does a nigger and sperm have in common?
Only about 1 out of two million actually work
ray charles or stevie wonder
Why can't Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder read?
They're niggers!
first choice
Why does L.A. have so many gays and N.Y. so many niggers?
L.A. had first choice
why dont niggers like blow jobs
Why don't niggers like blow jobs?
Niggers don't like ANY jobs!
barbecue sauce
What did the nigger get on his SATs?
Barbecue sauce!
snow tires
Whats the difference between niggers and snow tires?
Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them!
i wish my friends were here
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
nobody knows
Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
a touching speech
There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.
its not the color
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"
they used to be called jumpolines...
until your mama jumped on one back in 1972
see it
Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it...
definition of diplomacy
Q: What is the definition of diplomacy?
A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
i didnt know that
i didnt know that
Derp: Dude I need to tell you somethink!
Derpdude: What? What happended?
Derp: I saw your girlfriend in the school library with a guy!
Derpdude: What?! we have a library in the school?!
wearing off
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
looks good on a lawyer
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman pinscher.
who said
Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.
more lawyers
At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans.
some fat jokes
some fat jokes
Q: What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
A: They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.

How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

I am overweight. My whole family is overweight. We go to the beach, and people swim out to us.

It's kind of hard losing weight, though, when every time you see a sign that says, 'World's Best Donut,' you take it as a personal challenge. You're like, 'I'll see about that. Oh, you're right, this is a good donut. I'll take seven dozen and a diet coke.'

Q: What do Roseanne Barr and a battleship have in common?
A: They both need three tugs to get into their slips.
when i wake up a minute before the alarm
when i wake up a minute before the alarm
when i wake up a minute before the alarm
your racist when your hungry
your racist when your hungry
your racist when your hungry
when i accidently touch my sense of humor
when i accidently touch my sense of humor
when i accidently touch my sense of humor
yo mama so fat4
Yo mama so fat were in her right now
yo mama so fat5
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
yo mama so fat6
Yo mama so fat she wears a sock on each toe
yo mama so fat7
Yo mama so fat she wears neck deorderant
yo mama so fat8
Yo mama so fat she has pork rind incense burning in her house
to mama fat jokes
yo momma is so fat her favorite basketball team is the Denver Nuggets

your moms so fat when the judge said "Order in the Court!" she said "Pie and chips please!"

Yo momma so fat she has to wear her pants backwards, because her front butt is bigger
yo mama12
yo mama's so poor that she went to Five Below with a nickel.
yo mama13
Yo mama so poor her tv has two channels. ON & OFF.
yo mama14
yo mama so poor, her front door and back door are the same thing.
yo mama15
yo momma is so poor that when it rains she says kids shower time
bowling balls
What's the difference between a truck full of baby niggers and a truck full of bowling balls?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork!
just hanging around
How do you keep niggers out of your back yard?
Hang one in your front yard!
sounds like
What's the worst thing you can call a black man, starting with N and ending with R?
the bastard
A man is being trialed in court.
Judge: "Sir you are being accused with murdering your wife with a hammer".
Court viewer: "You bastard".
Judge: "You are also accused with murdering you mother with a hammer".
Court viewer: "You bastard!".
Judge: "Sir one more noise out of you and I'll hold you in contempt!"
Court viewer: "Sorry you honor, it's just that I've been this man's neighbor for 10 years and every time I asked for a hammer he said he didn't have one"
successful black man
successful black man
its called successful black man meme
a 100 old ladies
How do you make a 100 old ladys yell "Fuck!" at the same time?
Get one to yell "Bingo!"
yo mama so fat9
Yo mama so fat she sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad

Yo mama so fat she went to KFC to get a bucket of chicken they asked her what size and she said the one on the roof

Yo momma so fat she sued xbox 360 for guessing her weight yo mama so fat that she dont need the internet she's already world wide

Yo mama so fat that I ran out of gas trying to drive around her.

yo mama so fat that she gave draclua diabeties Your mama so fat, when she twerk, she became a wrecking ball.

Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family

Yo mama so fat, everytime she walks she does the harlem shake

Yo Momma so fat, I bumped into her and said "Sorry, my mistake." And she said "Did you just say steak?!"

Yo Mama So Fat she has mass whether the Higgs Boson exists or not.
blonde and a brick
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: If you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.
kill the bird
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
blonde who has everything
Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
a tree in front of me
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?" The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener!"
red light
Q: What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech?
A: A blonde at a flashing red light
2 blonde dont make a right
A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
pregnant blonde
What did the blonde say when she found out that she was pregnant?
I hope it's not mine.
stuck in an elevator
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."

The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."
blonde throws a grenade
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
six pieces
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
animal tracks
Three blondes are walking through a field when they come across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looks down at the tracks and says:
"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde looks down and says:
"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They step aside as the third blonde goes over to the tracks. She looks down, then get run over by the train!
at the doctors office
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
the blonde and the semi
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
alligator shoes
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$200” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irritated when the blonde persisted.

Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, “There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!” – he yelled.

“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.

After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.

When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.

Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”
the smart blonde
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
blondes and puzzles
A blonde calls her mom... Blonde: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!" Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?" Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
blonds and light bulbs
Q: How many blonds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1, blonds will screw any thing.
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quater back!'"
your local vegas
A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She sets it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button. A coke comes out the machine! She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?" The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
pictures storm
Q:Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A:They think their picture is being taken.
Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.
a race
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
sparkly eyes
How do you get a blondes eyes to sparkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
blonde nursery rhyme
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
when you are dead
When you are dead it doesn't hurt you, it hurts other people, but not you, because you are dead...
same thing when you are stupid
world capitals
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of world capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of London?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: L."
blondes and fish
How does a blonde kill a fish?
She drowns it.
some more blonde jokes
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
am radio
Q: Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio?
A: She didn’t want one for nights.
black and blue
Q. What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A. A Redhead who has told one too many dumb blonde jokes.
blonde with a license
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific road accident but miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when a policeman arrived.

"My God!" the policeman gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was jumped on by an elephant. Are you OK Miss?"

"Yes, Officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
the pills
Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?

So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills.
we dont sell blondes
electronics store and asks, "How much is this TV?" Salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds." So she dyes her hair and comes back as a brunette. "How much is this TV?" she asks. Again the salesman says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blonds." Weeks later she goes in as a redhead, but again he announces, "We don't sell to blonds!" Finally she says, "My hair is red. How did you know I was really a blond?" The salesman says, "Because it's not a TV. It's a microwave."
blonde and a terrorisr
Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
diffrence between a blonde and a ferrari
What's the difference between a blonde and a Ferrari?
You can usually find a guy who hasn't been in a Ferrari.
what to do today
what to do today
Red forman is awesome!
not my son
not my son
LOL made me laugh
slow reader
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
apple juice
Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice.
hard puzzle
Did you hear about the blonde that got excited? She finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months, when the box said, "two to four years."
2nd cousins
2nd cousins
Luanne: Come over
Billy bob: Can't, watching nascar
Luanne: Just foudn out we only 2nd cousins
blonde legs
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
blonde refill
Q: What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra?
A: Thanks for the refill.
blonde orgasm signs
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
yo mama so old1
Yo Mama so Old she was one of Solomon's concubines.
yo mama so fat10
Yo momma's so fat and old when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mother to move out of the way.
blonde grenade
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
blonde and brunette falling
a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
sjw lessons
sjw lessons
Charlie brown vs racism
blonde circuit
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!
blonde like a postage
Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
blonde christmas
Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
three moms
There are three moms...
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
toasted blonde
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor askes her what had happened.

She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.

"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."

"The bastard called again"
daughters purse
One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."
blondes school day
One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."
blonde email
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
prison sex
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time in prison.
why the rabbit1
Englishman applies for a job with South African police. Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six niggers and a rabbit."
Bloke replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
An africoon nigger goes to the doctor and says, "I feel terrible."
Doctor says, "go home, get a bucket, piss and shit in it for a week. Throw in dead rats and rotting fish. Put a towel over your head and sniff the fumes for three days."
Week later nigger goes back and says, "Doc, I feel wonderful, what was the problem?"
Doctor, "you were homesick!"
Did you hear about KuKluxKnevial's latest stunt?
He tried to jump 50 niggers with a steam roller.
What's the difference between a nigger and a bouncy castle?
You don’t take your shoes off to jump on a nigger!
make niggers run faster
What do Nike and the KKK have in common?
They both make niggers run faster
Why do people hit things when they don't work?
It worked with the slaves
Did you know Oprah and Stevie Wonder both had the same nick name in school?
It was nigger
slinky and a nigger1
What do a slinky and a nigger have in common?
Both are useless but it's fun to watch them falling down the stairs
more yo mama jokes
upvote my jokes and I'll upload more

Yo momma is so short, you can see her feet on her driver's license.

Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on the back of the bus it did a wheelie.

Yo momma's so smelly, that when she spread her legs, I got seasick.

Yo momma is so fat when she sat on an iPad she made a plasma TV.

Yo momma is so poor that when I asked her whats for dinner tonight she lit her pocket on fire and said, "hot pocket."

Yo momma's so fat, her baby pictures were taken by satellite.

Yo momma is so stupid that when thieves broke in and stole the tv, she ran outside and yelled to them,"Hey, you forgot the remote!"

Your momma is so hairy when she opens her legs it says "Welcome to Busch Gardens."

Yo Momma's teeth are so yellow, that when she smiles, traffic slows down!

Yo momma's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
last request
A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
favorite song
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
one too many jokes
Q: What is black and blue and brown, and lies in a ditch?
A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.
mitch hedbergs funniest jokes
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
yo mama so skinny
Yo mama so skinny she inspires crack whores to diet.
nice comeback
The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
yo mama jokes1
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

Yo momma's so fat and old when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mother to move out of the way.

Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me."

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

Upvote me and Ill put more jokes!
alot of funny jokes
Q: How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Why did the monkey cross the road?
A: So he could get spanked.

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"

Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

A new law recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

Yo' Mama is so fat, she sweats barbeque sauce.

A diner yelled out, "Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?"
After taking a close look at the soup, the waiter said, "It looks like the breaststroke, sir."

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: It soots him.

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "We need the eggs."

If I want to hear from an a**hole, I'll fart!

Q: How do you make a baby drink?
A: Stick it in the blender.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A: Her wedding cake.

A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous. But when she received the test, she was relieved to find out that it was a True or False exam. Immediately, she reached into her purse and pulled out a coin. Each time she flipped the coin she would write down an answer. "What are you doing?" the professor asked her. "I'm figuring out the answers," the blonde replied.
To this, the professor just rolled his eyes and looked away. When she was done, the professor announced that there were five minutes left to go. "Oh my god!" she said in an excited voice, and started to flip the coin as fast as possible.

Q: How did the blonde die raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

A tornado knocked down my trailer. Can I go home with you?

Q: In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.

Even if you were a limited-edition convention exclusive figure numbered to 5,000, I'd still play with you.

I'm not drunk -- you intoxicate me.

Q: What's it called when a soldier slips into a fox hole?
A: Bestiality.

Q: What do you call Vasoline in German?
A: Vienerschlide.

Q: Why is Tigger always so dirty?
A: He's always playing with Pooh.

There was a young country boy who was very bright. In fact he was bright enough to be accepted to Harvard.
One of his first assignments at Harvard was to write a paper on a famous person. He didn't know who he would write about so he decided to go to the library and do some research. But he didn't know where the library was. He saw a professor walking down the hall. He stopped the professor and said to him, "Do you know where the library is at?"
The professor looks at him strangely and says, "Young man, here at Harvard we never end a sentence in a preposistion."
The young man says, "Oh, excuse me. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"

Q: What do you call a dog that has balls of steel and is dragging them across cement?
A: Sparky.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

A cop pulls over a blonde for speeding and asks her for her license.
"You cops should get it together," she said. "One day you take away my license, and the next day you ask me to show it to you."

Yo' Mama is so nasty, her flyswatter doubles as a spatula.

1. Inflatable dart board.
2. Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3. A book on how to read.
4. Solar-powered flashlight.
5. Screen door on a submarine.

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."
fathers day3
What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Fathers Day!
pokemon go racist joke
Q: Where's the best place to catch a gas type?
A: The gas chambers
playing pokemon go
playing pokemon go
This is the Pokemon I'm looking for!
horrible jokes
Did you know the pools on the titanic are still full?!

write me some of your horrible jokes in the comments
knock knock joke
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
A broken pencil.
A broken pencil who?
Never mind. It's pointless
knock knock europe
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Europe who?
No, youre a poo.
knock knock theodore
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn't open so I knocked
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Wurlitzer who?
Wurlitzer one for the money, two for the show…
claire the way
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Claire who?
Claire the way; I’m coming in!
interrupting pirate
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Interrupting pirate.
Interrupt… ARRRRRRRRR!
radio not
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!
knock knock cow
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Impatient cow.
Impatient co…
little old lady
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
howard who
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Howard who?
Howard I know?
smell mop
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Smell mop.
Smell mop who?
Eww, no thanks. I don’t want to smell your poo!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Cereal who?
Cereal pleasure to meet you!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
knock knock wanda
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Wanda who?
Wanda hang out with me right now?
knock knock doris
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Doris who?
Doris locked. Open up!
knock knock chicken
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know.
To get to the idiot’s house.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
knock knock alpaca
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!
knock knock amos
Who’s there?
Amos who?
A mosquito.
knock kncok al
Who’s there?
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door.
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